Five Pounds
Honoring myself during National Eating Disorders Awareness Week
Five pounds was the goal
To dance that part
To fit into that tutu
With the sparkling rhinestones
Five pounds was the stick
Ms. Martha used to slap my tummy
Telling me I looked pregnant
While I did rond de jambe en l’air
Five pounds was the fun I permitted myself
Eating the pizza and keeping it down
But with every smile I grew larger
Each laugh inched the scale upward
Five pounds became ten and then fifteen
It became pills and secrets
To cover the bruises on my stomach
Self-inflicted punishment for a few jelly beans
Five, then ten, then fifteen pounds I slowly gained back
Terrified the rising numbers would never cease
Convincing myself that picking up weights in the gym
Was better than losing my body and myself
Five pounds is evidence of love and nourishment
That I could not give myself all those years
But gave to two humans as they grew
Inside me and now alongside me
Five pounds, so I’m told
Is the weight that all the bacteria
Making up the unique biome
Can amount to in a human body
Five pounds of me that is also not me
Transporting info from gut to brain and back
Without which my starved mind
Could not learn to love my beautiful body
Five pounds is the weight of impossible expectations
I’ve placed on myself my whole life
The messy and complicated path to healing
A road with no true beginning or end
Five pounds is the strength I gained
When I finally admitted
I would never shed the weight of that number
But the number will never define me.
