Honoring myself during National Eating Disorders Awareness Week

Image for post
Image for post
Photo credit: me, with the last pair of pointe shoes I ever trained in before I gave up chasing impossible dreams.

Five pounds was the goal

To dance that part

To fit into that tutu

With the sparkling rhinestones

Five pounds was the stick

Ms. Martha used to slap my tummy

Telling me I looked pregnant

While I did rond de jambe en l’air

Five pounds was the fun I permitted myself

Eating the pizza and keeping it down

But with every smile I grew larger

Each laugh inched the scale upward

Five pounds became ten and then fifteen

It became pills and secrets

To cover the bruises on my stomach

Self-inflicted punishment…


A eulogy for the both of us

Image for post
Image for post
Photo by Richard Gale on Unsplash

All day, my stomach did somersaults. I couldn’t even go for a jog because my intestines would not allow it. A familiar, creeping, unnamed anxiety washed over me, and as usual, I tried to drown out its empty voice with wine later that night.

There is always a reason why our bodies protest our own existence like this.

I awoke the next morning with the news in an email from my uncle, the subject line reading, “Your Dad.” The body of the text, I hardly recall reading, except the first sentence, “Andy passed…


Being a child prodigy is not all fun and games. Neither is being an adoptee.

Image for post
Image for post
Photo by Alexis Fauvet on Unsplash

**Spoiler alerts for those who have not seen the series**

After watching the Netflix drama mini-series, The Queen’s Gambit, I was struck by so much. The set design, the makeup and costumes, the characters, and of course, the chess. As a woman, I was in awe of the lead character, Beth Harmon, played by Anya Taylor-Joy. As much as I love chess, I was never trained to play as a child, partly because my family just didn’t play chess, but also, girls are far less…


Because National Adoption Awareness Month has never been about adoptees

Image for post
Image for post
Photo by K. Mitch Hodge on Unsplash

I’m an adoptee who is one of the organizers leading the way toward making October an International Month of Adoptee Awareness. We adoptees are a diverse group and our opinions about adoption ethics and reform vary widely, but central to our cause is the idea that adoptees — those very children adoption is supposed to benefit — are not given a seat at the table when it comes to discussing theories and practices that shape adoption and fostering. We are demanding change. We are demanding to be heard.

This is…


It’s not a mid-life crisis. I’m just turning 40 and talking to plush toys.

Image for post
Image for post
All my friends, today. Photo by me.

Significant milestones tend to dredge up memories and emotions. Although turning 40 is not as momentous as some of the other events humans celebrate, it has always been a much anticipated day for me. As a young child, when I watched my parents mark four decades of life, I imagined myself “going over the hill,” a phrase that makes 40 seem like the fast track to decrepitude. I assumed by then I would have several kids who would all be teenagers at that point, that I…


With no knowledge of what happened to me, who am I, really?

Image for post
Image for post
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Six Weeks

That’s the length of time unaccounted for. Forty-two days of life. Those are the completely dark days. Six weeks is the hole in my heart. The entire month of October and then some. I do not know where I was. I do not know who cared for me. I do not know what happened to me.

In his book, “The Body Keeps the Score,” Bessel Van Der Kolk argues extensively for a somatic understanding of trauma. When we face trauma, he suggests, our bodies encode the…


It might have left you susceptible to emotional abuse, but empathy is also your strength. Use it to move forward and heal.

Image for post
Image for post
Photo by Nick Fewings on Unsplash

This might sound strange, but I am grateful for the toxic relationships and emotional abuse I’ve lived through. Not because I enjoyed being someone’s mental punching bag — that was painful and still haunts me. I’m thankful, however, because from these experiences, I learned how to better detect subtle and even unintentional manipulation tactics people use. This knowledge inspired me to dig deeper to understand more about why people engage in emotional abuse in the first place. …


How do I know? By thinking deeply.

Image for post
Image for post
Photo by Vlad Tchompalov on Unsplash

I’m often told I overthink things. In many ways, this is probably a fair accusation. After all, my job as a professional philosopher could arguably be described as an underpaid overthinker. But is it really true that I think too much? Is it true that overthinking is inherently a bad thing? How can we know if we are in fact overthinking?

Goldilocks Thinking

Like with so many things, the correct answers to these questions are probably complicated and lie somewhere at the intersection of several complex variables. At the same time, the simplistic adage of…


Image for post
Image for post
Photo by Marc-Olivier Jodoin on Unsplash

The ground beneath me unstable

To find the why, I am unable

This love comes undone

Another game to be won

Breadcrumbs and eggshells

Mining for my truths to tell

Casting the net and reeling me in

Tossing me out to sea again

And each time you bullshitted me

Spoke hollow apologies

Stoked insecurities

Stole my vulnerabilities

Anger grew like a storm

From being silenced and scorned

You walked into the dark clouds

Feigning shock when rain poured down

Fawning, fetching, shrinking little violet

All while searching for a smear campaign to pilot

And so you found your smoking gun


Finding your voice through the profundity (and mundanity) of experience

Image for post
Image for post
Photo by Patrick Tomasso on Unsplash

Ever since those first days of writing in school, I was told “you are a good writer.” I scored high on any writing assessment throughout my educational experience, and then went on to earn a Ph.D. in philosophy, which of course involves a boatload of writing. It’s pretty difficult to get away with a dissertation that is written poorly, at least in my discipline.

Still, I never really felt like the real me shone through anything I wrote. There were occasional moments of authenticity, where my words revealed my vulnerabilities…

Michele Merritt, Ph.D.

Constant collisions between the personal and political. Professor. Adoptee. Advocate. Activist. I write about dogs a lot. michelemerritt.com

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store